Whenever someone asks me
what urges feel like and what I get out of Self Harm and why I do it and things
like that, this is the way I usually explain it:
"Imagine you're on this really strict
diet... no fatty stuff *whatsoever* and no exceptions. Now imagine
you're walking through town and you go past this shop and this most incredible
smell of freshly baked cakes wafts past you... that's like the inital urge -
it's there but if you try really hard you can get past it...
... but this time you *can't* resist that
gorgeous smell, so you go into the shop and see all these wonderful cakes on
display in front of you (your tools) and you can feel the temptation
rising as you look along the display and your eyes are becoming wider and
wider and the temptation is getting harder and harder to resist. You
spot the most delicious looking cake you have seen in your life... it's got
all the things you know you aren't supposed to have and you know you shouldn't
take it but the temptation is just too much...
... you try looking at other things in the
shop, you keep on telling yourself why you shouldn't take that cake, you walk
out of the shop you stop and talk to people - you do everything you possibly
can to stop thinking about that cake but you just can't... you can still smell
that gorgeous smell, you can still see what it looked like, you can imagine
how good it will feel as you take that first bite - but you know that you
shouldn't so you keep on trying to distract yourself...
... but no matter what you try it just
won't work - you've tried everything you can think of and you just can't get
that cake out of your mind... the smell, the look, the taste, the feeling.
... eventually you can't resist it any
longer - you've tried damnit! you've tried! but you just can't
resist that wonderful cake any longer...
... you reach out and pick up this
incredible cake - you can almost taste it... a little something inside you
keeps on saying "what about your diet! what about your diet!"
but you just can't resist it...
... you take that first bite (the first
burn/cut/punch/other) and the feeling is just awesome! You can't
describe that amazing feeling no matter how hard you try - it's what you've
been waiting for ever since that smell first wafted past you... it's been so
long since you tasted anything so incredible - you just want it to last
forever!
... and then it hits you - what about your
diet! It's ruined! everyone will hate you when they find out
you've gone back on your diet when you've been trying so hard and doing so
well! You start to feel incredibly guilty... but that cake - you can
still feel it in your mouth... the taste is still on your lips... you
never realised that cakes could taste as good as this one does - it's like it
was almost made especially for you...
... so you keep on eating it until the
very last bite... savouring every last mouthful - it's releasing feelings in
you that have been pent up for so long and it just feels so good to be able to
get them all out and all you needed to do was to eat this one cake and you
feel sooo much better now!
... you lick your fingers just to make
sure you get every last little bit of this incredible cake off them and wander
off to clean yourself up"
Copyright Mandy 2000
onwards - All Rights Reserved
