Psychosis. Where to start. I really don't know. Y'see, the thing is that as soon as I start talking about it I start getting paranoid and the paranoia leads to psychosis and when I get psychotic nothing makes sense and I don't know what I'm saying and then even if I keep on writing while I'm psychotic I can't read it back to make sure it makes sense 'cos reading about my own psychosis triggers the psychosis again *sigh*
Maybe I should just start typing and upload whatever I write? Yeah, that's prolly gonna be the only way I'm going to get this page done :o\
So, if I'm just going to be typing this out while I'm psychotic and then uploading it straight away, this might not make any sense and my spelling and grammer will prolly be all over the place too so apologies in advance for that!
OK, so now to wait for the psychosis to creep up on me lol
Well, that didn't work! Just when I want to get psychotic, nothing happens! *sigh* OK, onto plan B. I'll start writing about what happens when I get psychotic and if I start losing it while I'm writing it I'll just go with the flow :o\
Hmmm,
where to start.
It all seems to centre around people collecting "evidence" to use
against me. "They" are all collecting up as much info about me
as they can and putting all the bits together so that they can use it to hurt
and eventually kill me when they've got enough information.
It hasn't always been to that extent though. The paranoia first started
about 5 years or so ago and at it's worst I would think people were following
me down the street and watching me so I guess you could just say it was extreme
paranoia at that point but it's been getting slowly worse over the years and
back in 2000 (or it could have been 2001, I'm not sure now) something happened
which I reckon made it get this bad.
All the paranoia about people thinking I'm lieing and collecting and using
evidence against me I think was probably triggered by something that happened
on a newsgroup while I was there (it had only got up to
the point where people were videoing me before that and I didn't know why or
anything). I am pretty sure that what happened on the newsgroup is the
reason that I think that "they" are collecting info about me and
wanting to use it against me and stuff.
When the person on the newsgroup started sending me some very upsetting
messages, that was when the paranoia grew to the extent of people using the
info they had collected to prove I was a liar because that is what this person
had been saying about my past and it just kind of escalated from there.
As for the hallucinating part of it (the bit that happens when I'm in the fog
that I can't remember) I really haven't got a clue where that came from or why
I see etc the things that I do when I'm hallucinating - it just kind of built
up slowly without me realising and then one day... *zammo*!
gets the better of me and I start convincing myself that yes, they do hate me,
they're just putting up with me because they have to and that they would much
prefer it if I didn't exist.
From there it goes on to things about how they are all getting together behind
my back and talking about me and comparing what I've said to each of them and
then it kind of progresses quickly from there onto people watching me when I go
out to see where I go and then from there they are watching me inside buildings
(especially the house) too and then I start thinking that there are little
microscopic video cameras hidden all over the place - in cracks
in walls and stuff like that (I even go looking for the cameras at this point
even though I know I won't find them 'cos they are microscopic), then it all
starts getting a bit foggy from there and I can't remember in detail what
happens next... I can only go by what a friend has told me
while I was on the phone to him and I was like this.
Apparently after I've gone looking for the video cameras I start saying that
they are all videoing me so that they can keep track of me and what I'm doing
so they can compare it to what I've been saying to each of them and they keep
all the videos in special storage so that they can go back to them later if
they need to.
Apparently "they" also start selling the video's to my friends and
stuff - sort of a collection of video's almost and they make it
almost like a collectors club type thing... you know those sticker albums you
had as a kid where you'd buy a sticker album and you'd buy packs of 10 stickers
a time to go in the sticker album and then you'd swap any stickers you had
doubles of with your friends? Apparently it's like that but instead of it
being sticker albums and stickers it's video's of me. Apparently they
also offered like compliation video's of "the best bits" type of thing... whole video's
of me getting dressed and undressed, me in the bathroom, me in the shower...
all that sort of thing and my friends could get whichever of these video's they
wanted from "them".
Apparently "they" are everyone around the world with the exception of
literally a couple of really close friends who are defending me to the last
(again, I think this comes from the problems on the newsgroup) but
"they" are trying to turn these friends who are defending me against
me so that they can join "them" in their crusade to get info on me to
use against me and kill me.
Then apparently it just kind of jumps from there to me thinking that Elvis is
walking a Scottie dog around the living room, I see pictures come to life and
images jump out of the woodwork in the house and I see books jumping off
shelves and boxes and packages and that sort of thing watching me.
I mean, it's not even as if anyone likes me is it? Everything I write on here is just evidence ffor you all - it'll all come back to haunt me... somoene will sue it against me. you always do. you hate me. aren't the videos enough for you? why do you want this too? why don't you just leave me alone? just turn the cameras off and leave me alone' just leae me aloen!
what doy ou want frome me? dyouo want me to kill mesyelf ? will thamt aek you hapy?do y o;u want o wathch me etak thosse pils and slit tmy rissst? wiwll that make eyou hapy? watttttchi em/ sem whta i'm dinog?justs eleve mae alwnoe!!havemtt you alrea ry htut me mnough?
sig
thata depe oengugh? / yyouwwwwan mt e to aog depeper? kile myself?sig thatt
whwa;t you want? mew toe diey?jsutt lveae m'e alogee!!
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