This is the part of the website that I don't like doing 'cos I never know what to say.
My name is Mandy, I'm 26 (at the time of writing) and I've been diagnosed with Reactive Depression (16 July 2002 update - I've just been given a new diagnosis of Chronic Depression as the Reactive Depression diagnosis was given to me 5 years ago and apparently you can only have Reactive Depression for 6 months or something. That's news to me!!). I also have Panic Attacks and I'm also an insomniac. I've also been diagnosed with psychosis. I also think that I'm currently going through a breakdown but again, my doctor hasn't said anything yet but I'm hoping to get a proper diagnosis soon.
I also think I've had mild OCD for a few years (I haven't had a diagnosis yet, but hopefully sometime before the next millennium someone will take me seriously and give me a proper diagnosis of all my mental illnesses) but I'm not too worried about that atm... it's been going on for so many years that it's just a part of my life now.
***BIG UPDATE (1 November 02)*** My official diagnosis is now Chronic A-Typical Psychotic Depression with OCD, Self-Harm Tendencies and Suicidal Ideation... how's about *that* for a mouthful!! lol
I've been Self Harming in various ways since I was about 10 (although recently I've been remembering times when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old and I would hit and punch myself just so that I could sleep at night). There is more stuff about why I do it and what I do on the Self Harm Page.
At the time of writing I've also tried to take my life more than 40 times. I will write more about it on the Our World ~ Suicide page.
I'm depressed because of various things that happened in my past (r*pe, a*use and a twin miscarriage). I haven't put anything too personal on this site about what happened to me because last time I did that I had to take the site down for my own safety, so this will just be more general stuff for the moment. Hopefully as I start to feel more confident about having the website back up I will start to put a bit more about my experiences back on here.
What sort of help am I getting? Nothing right now. I've been sent an appointment for DBT but I haven't been able to start it yet because I have been too (physically) ill to leave the house. My doc has said he's trying to push through an urgent referral to a psychologist for me but I haven't heard anything about it yet (even after a couple of months - and this is supposed to be an *urgent* referral! Kinda gives you an idea of how crap the health care system is around here!! lol)
~~~ UPDATE! I got a letter this morning saying that I've got an appointment on 11th December (2001) with a psychologist so I guess we'll see what happens!! Wish me luck! :o)
~~~ ANOTHER UPDATE! Yet more proof that the "professionals" don't know their arse's from their elbows and couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery... I turned up for the appointment - but the psychologist didn't! Apparently I was on somebody else's list, but surprise surprise *that* person wasn't there either!!! I'm gonna give them one last chance. I've got an appointment on 25th January 2002 - if they mess it up this time I won't be going again.
~~~ UPDATE AGAIN! I've now officially given up on the psychologist. I've seen him twice since the first appointment at the start of Decemper last year. It's now July 2002 and I just can't be bothered any more - I've totally given up on this psychologist. He doesn't turn up for appointments and the twice that he *has* put in an appearance we just go round in circles and I end up banging my head on a brick wall and leave feeling 100 times worse than when I went in *sigh* I'm sooo glad I've got a group of wonderful, caring, supportive online friends - if it wasn't for them I would have killed myself a long time ago.
~~~ YET ANOTHER UPDATE! (1 November 2002) I changed my GP recently and he referred me back to Dr Invisible so I went to see him (Dr Invisible) again today and he was only 10 minutes late.. hey, at least he turned up this time, right? He's changed my official diagnosis to Chronic A-Typical Psychotic Depression with OCD, Self-Harm Tendancies and Suicidal Ideation. He's referring me for C/DBT (again!) despite me saying that I'm not stable enough for therapy right now so I guess we'll see what happens next. I'm not holding my breath and I still don't trust him as far as I can throw him though!
I've seen a CPN in the past but we didn't get on very well and she made me suicidal after every visit so I stopped seeing her as it was just making my Mental Health worse. I saw a different CPN after I had finished with my first one and I got on a lot better with him but I haven't seen him since.
I've also seen a GP that specialises in Mental Health a couple of times. He has said that the local Mental Health Department is being moved around and different CPN's are going to be attached to different Psychologists now so I probably won't see the last CPN again and I will be assigned to someone else eventually.
~~~ UPDATE! It's now over a year later and still no sign of a CPN - why doesn't that surprise me?
I don't really know what else to say....
What's that? You want to know more about what makes me tick?
hmmmmm. Don't know where to start... likes and dislikes I suppose.
I like (in no particular order)... not much to be honest. I like my friends, I like people who help me and listen to me - people who care about me. I like being online. I like my online friends (and my 2 mates IRL *waves*) I like doing my website - it's one of the only things that is keeping me going atm, my mobile phones and pager - I don't go anywhere without them! :o), chocolate (mmmmm chocolate!), music (most things), children (*sigh* if only...), hugs (oh yes, definitely hugs - hugs are good), the smell of lavender (it's just so incredibly relaxing), giving massages to friends, making people happy, people saying good things about me, garlic bread, UPSD and ASS-H (hi guys! *waves*), reading books, e-mails, peoples homepages and reading and replying to messages on newsgroups and mailing lists (when my motivation hasn't deserted me), 24/7 free internet access, water (has to be calming water though - think waves lapping the shore of a beach or small trickling stream), my independence, writing poetry (when I have the motivation), my dog (God I miss him - he's living with my parents atm), PaintShop Pro, being vegetarian. What else... can't think. Sorry, maybe I should go onto my hates and come back to the likes later :o)
I dislike (in no particular order)... myself - that's the biggest one. I really hate myself - nothing matches up to the amount of hate I have for myself. Other than that, the other things I hate are hurting myself, pain, being too physically ill to leave the house most days, relying on other people, prejudice, depression, being suicidal (including things like people finding me after a suicide attempt, failed attempts and just stuff like that), meat, being too weak (emotionally/mentally) to talk to my friends online, having no motivation, being female (bloody hormones), all the shit that everyone has to go through every day (I just want to take it all away and make the world a nicer place to live in), the medical profession (I'm including doctors, consultants, radiographers, sonographers (or whatever they're called), gastroenterologists (or however you spell it), GP's, nurses, endocrinologists and everyone else in this bracket - I've only ever met 2 nurses that I've liked and that was when I was a kid), being alive/not being dead, waking up after an overdose, insomnia, being lonely even when there are other people around, the feeling of unreality, paranoia, feeling disconnected, people who are nasty/horrible to me/make me feel bad ('cos I know that they are telling the truth and the truth hurts), the frustrations of web design and web building, FTP software not working, not being able to get a connection to the net, having to ask for help, my phobias - spiders, heights, speed, people feeling/being sick and dentists <shudder>, finding it hard to trust people, liars and people who use me and abuse my trust, being cold, people who say any of the things on any of the lists that I've got on my site (in the support section), not enough vegetarian foods available in the shops, not having any money
If you're desperate to know more about me, I've started a personal website. There's not much on there atm, but if you want to get to know a bit more about me and the person behind the Depression, just follow this link to go to my personal pages.
At the moment I'm feeling
Causes/Charities I support (in no particular order):
Children In Need - £12,895,853 raised on the night 2001
WDCS (my adopted dolphin is called Whiskey)
NCDL (my adopted dogs are called Connor and Bob)
The Samaritans (they've helped so many of my friends and I've been thinking of volunteering for a while so when I was asked to give a regular donation of £5 a month to them I couldn't say no)
The Dove of Peace
flies from site to site,
through as many countries as possible.
It does not belong to ANY belief
system. Please help it make a line
around the globe by taking it with
you to your site, by giving it
to someone for their site, by passing it on to
another continent, or to the conflict
areas of the world.
We support the Whisper Rape
White Ribbon Campaign
Copyright Mandy 2000 onwards - All Rights Reserved
